Equilibrium
by OneDream 2Dream
Summary: It's like they're standing on the edge of a cliff, almost ready to fall off. But neither of them wants to make the move that could save them because it might kill them too.


_Author's Note: Um... hey? I'm back from my five month break... Some things happened and I didn't feel like I could write anything without it being completely angsty and sad. But I'm slowly resolving things, and this really spoke to me. So here you go._

_Spoilers for 5x21 and 5x22, I guess, as well as spoiler for 5x23 promo._

_Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine._

_-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-_

"There's a job opening. In DC."

It's the offer of a lifetime. She'd be a fool not to take it. It's a better job, that's for sure. And she's always liked DC, thought of it as a nice change from New York.

But New York. Everything is here. Her dad. her friends. Castle.

Sighing, she tells the man she'll think about it. He nods and tells her she's got a week. It's not enough time for a decision of this magnitude, but she agrees, knowing she'd push it off if she had the opportunity. It's better this way.

He nods and heads off, gathering his things with quick skill before heading out of the room. Once he's stepped onto the elevator, she sits down in the nearest chair and presses the palms of her hands to her eye sockets.

This will be a rough week.

-0-0-0-

It's both painful and a relief when they solve the case they're working on the next day. She's relieved they caught the guy, sure. But now she's got plenty of time to fret over her upcoming decision.

Castle leaves not too much later, saying he'll make dinner and giving her a peck on the cheek. Shaking her head, she turns her head towards her paperwork and grins. But it fades when she realizes Castle won't get to shadow her if she changes jobs.

Castle.

-0-0-0-

She decides to make a list. Pros on one side, cons on the other, nice and organized. Just the way she likes it. Then she looks around for others, hoping no one will see. It's completely conspicuous, but thankfully one one is there and she begins to write. It's not too long before she's exhausted all of her joys and worries onto the little piece of notebook paper. And...

The list of pros and cons is almost exactly the same.

And a lot of the cons relate back to Castle.

Huffing, she snatches up her items and heads toward the elevator. She's got to tell him.

-0-0-0-

She doesn't tell him.

And how could she? He's just so happy, and she can't bring him down with the news. Surprisingly, their dinner is fairly normal, (no maple syrup or chocolate or other odd ingredients) and he spends most of the time retelling a story Alexis told him. There's no talk of them. Even if she brings it up, Castle seems set on pushing her away and it makes her wonder.

Where are they going, really? How long will this last before the bubble bursts? What if they don't make it? She knows she's in for the long run, or at least, she's 95 percent sure, but what if something happens? She's never been one to make impulsive decisions, not since her mom died. Should she really turn down the job for someone else? She has to make the decision only for herself, she thinks.

Her heart says not to go.

She listens to her head.

-0-0-0-

They catch another murder, this one quick yet enough to take her mind off things for a while. But now she's got two days. 48 hours.

She has to tell Castle now.

They've decided to meet at Remy's, and she hates the fact they're having this conversation in a semi-public place. But she's determined to do it. If she doesn't do it now, when will she?

It takes her most of the meal to finally say the words. "I got a job offer."

He furrows his eyebrows and tilts his head ever so slightly, confused. "Really? Where?"

Looking down, she pokes at her burger and tries not to meet his eyes.

"Kate," he says gently, still staring at her.

Beckett clears her throat. "It's in-" she tries to look up, but feels Castle's worry drilling into when she meets his eyes. She has to stay objective. And she can't do it when he's looking at her like that. "It's in DC."

He pulls back slightly. "And you're thinking about it." It's not a question.

"Yes," she admits shakily, angry at the way her voice falters.

When she looks up, he looks down and picks at his fries. "That's great. Congratulations."

"Castle," she tries, placing her hand over his on the table.

He doesn't respond.

-0-0-0-

Silently, they walk back to the loft together even though they're hardly in equilibrium with each other. It's like they're standing on the edge of a cliff, almost ready to fall off. But neither of them wants to make the move that could save them because it might just kill them too.

Their relationship might not get saved.

When they get back to the loft it's still mostly silence. Her partner tries to crack a few jokes about random things, but they all fall flat. Eventually, they end up snuggled together on the couch, watching some TV show she hasn't bothered to figure out the name of.

She gives up on the silence, making the first move. She's done that a lot lately. "Can we please talk about this?" She asks quietly, her voice raw and exposed.

"I don't want to get in the way of your job." She can hear the _again _even though he doesn't say it. She wants to address it. She has to.

Instead, she stands up with a sigh, running a hand through her hair. "Where are we going?" she asks. She's asked it before. This time, she wants a real answer.

He exhales. "Where do you want to go?"

"I asked first," she retorts childishly, arms crossed.

"Wherever you want to go," he responds quietly as he stares at her. She knows the emotion in his eyes. She recognizes it, but she can't place it.

"I don't mean physically, I mean in this relationship," Beckett almost-whispers, maintaining eye-contact.

Castle nods. "I know."

She raises an eyebrow, staring at him with a mixture of disbelief and confusion. "What do you mean by that?" She questions, taking a step closer to him.

"I'll do whatever you want for us," he starts reluctantly, standing up. "I'm happy with where we are. I'd be happy if you moved in, or if we got married or if we had kids or a combination of that. As long as I have you," the writer rambles, and she knows what she sees now.

He's in love with her.

But he's afraid to lose her.

But why should be be afraid of that, when all she can picture is her in a white dress, and Castle down at the altar and they're both so happy. And their kids, running through the loft filled with a mixture of both of their things. A little boy with her eyes, a little girl the splitting image of her mother as a child except for the eyes. It's so real, so real she can almost put out her hand and pat the little boy's head.

"Really, I'm okay with anything-" Castle rambles nervously, and he's really got to stop over thinking this so much. That's her job. Slowly, she throws her hands around his neck and pulls him closer, cutting off his speech by pressing her lips to his. He places his arms around her waist and pulls her closer.

"Castle," she sighs, relieved. "You do know we're on the same page, right?"

He blinks frantically, stunned. "Ye- I do now?" He breathes, staring at her as though she's the most beautiful thing in the world.

What did she do to deserve him?

"I want all of that too. A home together and a marriage and little kids running around. Not today, not next week, but someday," she responds.

"So, you're not taking the job?" He asks, hopeful.

She shakes her head. "I could never leave. You're here, my friends and family are here. I can't leave that. You're stuck with me," she breathes, glancing down at her feet.

Castle places a finger under her chin and gently pushes her head up so they're looking each other right in the eye. "I wouldn't want it any other way," he responds.

She hears "_I love you_".

-0-0-0-

The next day she meets up with the man and politely refuses the job.

Equilibrium restored.

_"I love you."_


End file.
